Billy Haisley's posts - German uPOST

Gorgeous Brazil Goal Starts With A Nutmeg And Just Keeps Getting Better

When Brazil full back Tamires stood there on the sideline seemingly with nowhere to go, and then insouciantly toe-poked the ball through Emily Gielnik’s legs and ran right past her, I thought to myself, Oooo that was sick, and if it ends with a goal....

Nigeria's Asisat Oshoala Finally Shows The World Who She Is Nigeria's Asisat Oshoala Finally Shows The World Who She Is

The World Cup is a showcase—of the sport, its teams, and its individual talents. It’s also a competition that crowns the best soccer nation in the world, but only a handful of teams realistically can lift the trophy, and only one will. As a month-long tournament that primarily pits teams with no shot of winning the…

The USWNT's Blowout Of Thailand Inspires Indignant Pearl-Clutching From Canadian Soccer Pundits The USWNT's Blowout Of Thailand Inspires Indignant Pearl-Clutching From Canadian Soccer Pundits

A self-serious, chiding, in all likelihood jealous quartet of talking heads went on Canadian TV yesterday and, in discussing what they characterized as the “disgraceful” way the USWNT went about trouncing Thailand in the Women’s World Cup, proceeded to hump the notion of sportsmanship to within an inch of its life:

Thailand's World Cup Hopes Could Hinge On Not Getting Stomped By The USWNT Thailand's World Cup Hopes Could Hinge On Not Getting Stomped By The USWNT

In a few hours’ time, barring a sequence of events so improbable as to not even merit serious concern, the USWNT will have easily beaten Thailand in the two countries’ opening 2019 Women’s World Cup match. The extent of that essentially guaranteed result—as in, whether the U.S.’s impending victory looks like a casual…

Cameroon, The Cinderellas Of The Last World Cup, Are Back For Another Dance Cameroon, The Cinderellas Of The Last World Cup, Are Back For Another Dance

A side effect of women’s soccer being so discouraged and underfunded in most every part of the world is that only rarely do we see many true upsets or surprises. The traditional powers usually have such enormous structural advantages, and have had them for so long, that they almost always win, and when they don’t win…

Scotland Can Become Stars In Their First Performance On The Big Stage Scotland Can Become Stars In Their First Performance On The Big Stage

Most countries making their debut in a tournament like the World Cup are just happy to be there. Implied in a country making it to its first major tournament is that the country in the very recent past was not very good, and its soccer infrastructure is at an incredibly early stage of its development. For most…

Deadspin Up All Night: Eyes Don't See Deadspin Up All Night: Eyes Don't See

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Keep the beat going.

Ball Boy's Face Gets A Painful Reminder Of The Risks Of His Profession

This poor Greek kid discovered the dangers of being a ball boy today when Italian midfielder Nicolò Barella accidentally punted the ball straight into the kid’s face in Italy’s match against Greece:

Deadspin Up All Night: Off That Mumbling Shit Deadspin Up All Night: Off That Mumbling Shit

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Let’s go.

The Neymar Rape Case Has Turned Into A Huge Mess The Neymar Rape Case Has Turned Into A Huge Mess

Last Saturday, news broke that a Brazilian woman had filed a police report in which she said soccer superstar Neymar raped her in a Paris hotel last month. Today, Neymar testified in court about a different but related criminal charge he faces because of the intimate photos of the alleged victim he posted on social…

Free From Their Sexist, Tyrannical Former Manager, Spain Can Finally Just Play Soccer Free From Their Sexist, Tyrannical Former Manager, Spain Can Finally Just Play Soccer

They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window, and that wisdom is knowing to stop worrying about the closed door and start taking advantage of the open window. The metaphor applies to the Spain women’s soccer team’s experience at their first World Cup four years ago. The closed door was their embarrassing…

South Africa's World Cup Debutantes Are Already Legends South Africa's World Cup Debutantes Are Already Legends

No matter what happens in France this summer, the players that make up the South Africa women’s national team are already legends.

Norway Might Have Won The Whole Thing, If Only They Hadn't Alienated The Best Player In The World Norway Might Have Won The Whole Thing, If Only They Hadn't Alienated The Best Player In The World

The situation with Norway’s women’s soccer team is like something out of the Iliad. In this analogy, the World Cup is the Trojan War, the Norwegian team is the heavily armed but nonetheless overmatched Greek army, and Ada Hegerberg is Achilles, the Grecian hero of otherworldly abilities who very well could’ve led his…

Nigeria Have The Star Power To Go Down In A Blaze Of Glory Nigeria Have The Star Power To Go Down In A Blaze Of Glory

The question before Nigeria heading into this World Cup is the same one they’ve faced going into every other World Cup: Will this be the tournament the Super Falcons finally put it all together and make a real run? Unfortunately, the answer is probably the same as it has been in years past: No, this most likely isn’t…

South Korea Are No Minnows, But They're Still Food For The World Cup's Sharks South Korea Are No Minnows, But They're Still Food For The World Cup's Sharks

The best thing you can say about South Korea coming into this World Cup is that they are fine.

France's Women Are On A Mission To Establish Worldwide Soccer Dominance France's Women Are On A Mission To Establish Worldwide Soccer Dominance

If the 100 percent non-existent aliens that purportedly flit about Earth’s skies were in fact real, and if they somehow mustered enough gumption in their lily liver-equivalent alien organs to descend upon the far superior human race and challenge us to a pair of soccer matches—one men’s, one women’s—to determine the…

Nobody Has It Better Than Liverpool Nobody Has It Better Than Liverpool

Along the vast spectrum of possible states a soccer club could exist in, there is a vanishingly small patch that, for my tastes, qualifies as ideal.

Large Norwegian Teen Scores Nine Goals In One Game In U-20 World Cup Large Norwegian Teen Scores Nine Goals In One Game In U-20 World Cup

This is Erling Braut Håland. The 6-foot-3 Norwegian is 18 years old, and he looks like a lock to be cast as Thor in the certainly forthcoming Teen Avengers movie. He also scored nine times in today’s game against Honduras in the U-20 World Cup as Norway romped to a record-breaking 12-0 win.

Spanish Soccer Team Celebrates Promotion With Awkward Postgame Strip Tease Spanish Soccer Team Celebrates Promotion With Awkward Postgame Strip Tease

With their season-capping win on Saturday, soccer club Esportiu Llançà won promotion from Catalonia’s third division (Spain’s seventh tier overall) to its second. To celebrate the team going up, one of the club’s board members arranged for a stripper to enter the locker room after the game and drop it low.

78 Seconds Of Batshit Argentine Soccer Features Violent Tackles, Tears, Unconscionable Flopping

Argentine soccer is plagued by a bullshit macho culture where the biggest sin is losing and the biggest virtue is lunging about, heedlessly throwing your body into as many opponents as possible to prove how large your testicles are. For a short clip demonstrating the anarchic, violent, dive-y style of soccer this…

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